Bang Bang

Bang Bang
Bang Bang Bang
Oh dear, I just got shot
Wank Wank Wank
What kind of gun was that?
Maybe it was a rifle
Or a big shot gun
Maybe it was a sniper
Or an old crossbow
Now I’m dead

I Get Gas

I Get Gas
I get gas
I burp a lot
From my ass
Or from my mouth
I am sorry that I eat so fast

My Secret Place

My Secret Place
There’s a secret place I know of
Where I like to go sometimes
It’s located in between my
Scrotum and my big browneye
When I’m sad or feeling bad
I go there and I feel glad
Do you want a look?

David’s Message (For You)

The lyrics of this song are by David.

David’s Message (For You)
For you my life is here
For you’re my love so dear
For you’re my love so true
My love is here for you
For you are my life’s light
My only true delight
For you I’d give my soul
To marry you is my goal

The Smelly Stripper

The Smelly Stripper
There once lived a stripper who was
So damn smelly
She did not wash
She shook her ass in men’s faces
They left and never came back

What I Did on Saturday

New Song!

What I Did on Saturday
I walked to A Thousand Pound, Thousand Pound Bend
I met up with Jessica, Jessica then
I bought lots of stationery, got a free coffee
Then Marta turned up and we drew around the table
Greg was there and David turned up and
We took a taxi to Arran’s house and
He wanted Taco Truck but we moaned at the queue
So we drove right past to Alasya even though
Arran had already had it that day.
Oh, and Norton his sausage dog came with us in the car
and all day i couldn’t stop thinking bout this other girl
Anyway, it was fun. What a busy day it was
I’d better check and see if Jess is okay
Cause ***** turned up and woo woo woo woo
I hope that c*nt doesn’t ruin everything by
hanging around there woo woo woo woo
You may think this tale sounds dumb
But this shit’s new to me

Sweet Sweet Toilet Paper

New Song!

Sweet Sweet Toilet Paper
Oh I predict my bog will drop
And splash my bum crack with a plop
And make me scream out with disgust
As my wee goes on my bum
Rum tee tum tee tum
Rum tee tum
Splash goes my big fat poo
When I don’t lay down, lay down toilet paper
Sweet, sweet toilet paper
Stop that splash from hitting my ass hole, oh yeah
Oh yeah

I Loves Me Coffee

New Song!

I Loves Me Coffee
I love coffee
I love coffee
I love coffee
So fuck you

Stop Punching My Arsehole

New Song!

Stop Punching My Arsehole
Don’t punch me there
Don’t punch me in the arsehole, yeah
Punch my face instead
That’s what any normal retired boxer’d do
Don’t punch me where I do a poo
Stop, stop punching there
That means you are no run-of-the-mill retired boxer
That’s for sure you fuckster
You must be a cock
I called you a cock

They’re Not On Drugs

New Song!

They’re Not On Drugs
Listen
Just because the art that some people make is weird or different
That’s not evidence of drugs
It’s just imagination, that’s what it is.

Publisher

New Song!

Publisher
I’m gonna meet a publisher on Tuesday
I’m gonna meet a publisher on Tuesday
Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, get my comic published
Meet for a coffee, go to the bookshop
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, get my comic published
Yeah

Hot Choc Beats

OK, this is the last instrumental for a while I think!

Doo

Arctic Adventure

Heh, here is another instrumental inspired by a game I like. I wrote it like 12 years ago.

China

Another instrumental…Using the sounds from a bootleg furby toy.

No Pants

No Pants
Hey there you crazy woman, how’d ya like to talk with me?
Get stuffed! You have no pants on.
Hey, that’s just my way.
Your way is crazy and it bothers me to see your genitals.
My way is crazy and it bothers you to see my genitals.
I would rather talk with a man who dressed properly. Not some nudist freak.
Freak? Me? Because I walk around pantless? You are so narrow minded. Beeyatch.
It’s not the lack of pants. It’s that giant erection that bothers me.
That’s no erection. I just hang that way. I’m on the soft.
I don’t wanna know. Talk to another woman. I’m busy. I’ve gots to gets the bus.
[with accent] Come here. I want a friend. A woman. Sexy. Sexy.

Zub

Bats

Menthols

Menthols
Everybody hates menthol cigarettes
I think they are really minty and they
Are not harsh on the throat like normal ones
Normal cigarettes are hard to smoke
And no one wants to bum your menthols

Hi, How Are You

Hi, How Are You?
Hi, how are you?
Are you good?
That is good
Was your weekend really interesting?
Did you eat food?
Or what?

Dumb People

Dumb People
Sometimes I wonder what came of all the people
who went to my school
They were dumb and cruel
Do you think that many of them went to jail?
I wonder if they’d envy my tale
My tale of joy, my tale of glee
My tale of being so happy
And if they don’t then that’s bad luck
That’s what you get when you’re dumb as f*ck
Stupid f*cks deserve everything they get

Morgan is Leaving

I wrote this when my work colleague Morgan left Irrational Games in like, 2003 or something.

Morgan is Leaving
Morgan Morgan is leaving
Morgan Morgan is leaving
He is going away today, oh yeah
Maybe he will become a high class hooker
And he will change his name to Madame Morgan
$2.50 for some red hot sex

Poo Treat

Poo Treat
Hey there my brothers, gather round
There is a tale I will tell now
One day I was walking down the street
When I saw something that looked like a treat
I picked it up it was brown and soft
I did not know what it was
It had a smell like egg or sulphur
But it looked really yummy
So I bit it and I had a chew
I had a lick and a suck-suck too
Ever since then it’s been on my breath
Would you like to smell?

Danni Minogue

Danni Minogue
A magazine had, on the front cover
Danni Minogue in leather and rubber
She has fake b**bs – yuk
She does not do much
Except pose in magazines

D*ck Master

D*ck Master
I am D*ck Master
I am the P*nis King
I am not the king of b*ms or b**bs or b*ll sacks
Come on babe, let’s get jiggy yeah!
Come on babe, see my p*nis hair
Come on babe, let’s have a big, fat r**t

There is Nothing Like a S*x

There is Nothing Like a Sex
We got sunlight on the sh*t
We got moonlight on the f*ck
We got mangoes and bananas
You can pick them off the s*x
We got volleyball and ping pong
And lots of dandy sh*ts
What aint we got?
We aint got f*ck
There is nothing like a s*x
Nothing in the f*ck
There is nothing you can sh*t
That is anything like my a*s

Yusef is Born

Yusef is Born
Cat Stevens was a pop star
He lived a pop star life
One day he was swimming in the sea
When he got caught in a rip, in a rip
“God help me!” he called out to God
And God helped him and he embraced Islam

Sizzle Bento

Sizzle Bento
Sizzle Bento
Sizzle Bento
Yum yum yum yum yum yum
They make great food
Japanese style
Like sushi and yaki bento
And green tea and I like them so much

Poo Warts

Poo Warts
You may think this is a funny dance
This is not a dance, I sh*t my pants
I am spreading it around my shorts
In the hope that I’ll get warts
Warts from p*o

Balls

Balls
Scrotum scrotum
Scrotum scrotum
Big balls, big nuts
Big balls
Really big, fat, massive testes
Balls

Magic Bum Trick

Magic Bum Trick
Watch me as I pull apart my big b*m crack
Now take a look inside
What do you see in between?
What do you see between my cheeks
Now watch as I push a p*o out