Going to the Bistro

We are going to the RSL
We’re going to the bistro
We are going to the RSL
We’re going to the bistro
Farmers at the bistro
Charmers at the bistro
Parmas at the bistro
Bands on a Friday, zippidy-dee
There’s no need for kino
This ain’t no casino
I’m here for a pinot
And the anti-aircraft cannons out the front

Piss Off the Bits

Piss off the bits
Piss off the bits
They could be mine
But I don’t give a tits.
As long as the germs
Don’t swim up the pee stream
Into my meatus.
Praise the Lord
He’s-a my saviour.

Don’t Touch a Snail’s Eye

Number one, it isn’t very fun
It shrivels like a dracula when you show him the sun
Retreats like a fat man retreating from a fuckin’ treat
(Don’t eat the sweet! This diet you can beat)
Retreats just like my willy when you mention QR codes
Or how AI affects the lives of artists moving forward
Don’t touch snail eyes, no no
You wouldn’t touch a poliman’s asshole
Don’t touch snail eyes, no no
You wouldn’t touch a butcher’s cock

I Wanna Be A Muscle Man

I wanna be a muscly man
A muscle man is what I fucken am
Muscly, so muscly
Oh that is what I be today
Day day day day
Just like Neil Gaiman
I’m making real gains, man
Oh like Ben Shapiro
I can bench some kilos
Or like Mark Wahlberg
I’m from Swoleburg
Angelina Jolie
Swoley

All You Can Eat (Let’s go to Dins II)

Yum yum yum time for all you can eat
What a treat, what a treat
Yes
Have it all
Home time, oh no!
Can you drive slow?
Give me a moment
Slow down, slow down
Burp

Under the Shade of the Bubblegum Tree

Under the shade of the Bubblegum Tree
I did a poo and a poo did a me
Under the hills and over the sea
We did a poo and our poo did a wee wee
Shake up my sauce and I’ll squirt it on your brisket
Your tenderloin’s ready so now I’m gonna frisk it
Holy Toledo you made an air biscuit
Don’t wanna do that no more no no no

It Floats

It floats, it floats, it floats
You’ve overstayed your welcome, poo
This is true
Oh my God
Oh my God
How many flushes will it take
Bobbing around on the flushes wake
Bet my friends think that I’m having bum trouble
It floats, it floats, it floats
I just want my friends, not Floaty Malone

Penis Man

My name is Penis Man
I’m the best man, I’m the best man
Penis Man
Not a bum man
Not a balls man
Not a tits man
Not a vadge man
Don’t be stupid
I am just a
Penis Man
Penis Man

Warm Thine Hands

Put your hands in side my bumhole if you please
Shove it up now, don’t be afraid now
Make a mitten out of me
Warm your hands up, it’s so frosty dont be shy
It’s capacious up in my anus
I’ve been shittin that is why
Come September, no more Winter
There’s still time to use it legitimately
There’s still time to use my rectum
Warm your hands now, quick now, shove ’em up quickly

When i was a young man not one and twenty
I did practice taking a cactus up my clacker, one two three
When the navy called me up for Cunt and Queen
On the deck i opened my rectum, let the ocean wash it clean
Now i’m old my ring is empty
Trained to be a bum of high capaciy
It’s seen cold winds, foreign spices
Might as well shove both hands up my passage (whee)

Oh my Lord, Heavenly Father Jesus, yum yum yum
Oh my Lord, Heavenly Father Jesus, yum yum yum

Fisty wisty

I Like Australian Food

I like Australian
I like Australian
I like Australian food
Best coffee, best pizza, best Japanese yeah
Don’t go overseas they’ll just disappoint you

A Lukewarm Shower in the Middle of Winter

It’s a lukewarm shower in the middle of Winter
A lukewarm shower in the middle of Winter
Lukewarm shower in the middle of Winter
This is bullshit, yes
Gonna get out, get dried, get dressed
Getting my dick out and flopping my nips out
Isn’t how I’d choose to spend my Winter nights
Oh how I’d how I’d love to have water so hot
I would have to turn it down because it has too many Fahrenheits
Would you like to meet my fuckin’ mother?
Would you like to meet my fuckin’ brother?
Well you fuckin’ can’t because he’s away coz he’s AWOL
And he won’t call coz he’s a fuckin’ motherfucker
Would you like to come and have a shower?
Late at night at some ungodly hour?
Later when it’s freezing but the water’s gone all hot and steaming
Scrubbing armpits clean with mountain flower
Yes
Mama, that’s not a shower, that’s just some old bullshit
Get out, get out, this is no time for bullshit
No no, no no

Holy Cow

I’ve never heard that before
Sounds wrong to me, are you sure?
Not saying you’re not correct
I’d better get that fact checked
You got it wrong I suspect

Nothing you say, no matter how inane – forget it
I’ll never laugh and say “that’s true, ha hayou said it!”
Even when we both agree
I’ll still contradict you, yeah!

Burritos

Food of ‘tinos
Burritos
Burritos
Yum yum
I’m full of beans
So are you
Let’s eat those
Burritos

It’s Time to Sit

It’s time to sit
And not to shit
I can’t commit
Even to a TV show

My Enchanted Arsehole

Dragons fly like sparrows through the sky right up my arsehole
In the glen the fairies play and then go up my arsehole
While I make smells wizards cast spells
Warlocks and witches and all kinds of bitches
Like goblins and pixies and shit go
Up my fucken arse

Going to Canberra

Train up to Canberra, that’s a good day
Reading with snack-snacks from the buffet
Read Graeme Green then doze off a bit
Wake up and read a bit more of it
Old people and young tear-aways
With tracksuit pants, tatts and babies
Hope none of them sit next to me

You Are Not Persuasive

No-one’s listening to you, oh yeah
You’re not persuasive
Be quiet, that’s right
It’s not that you are wrong
It’s that you just don’t have that knack for being
Someone worth hearing
You don’t get through
I agree with everything you say
But you are very unpersuasive

 

Find Little Dotty Poos

Find little dotty poos
Find little dotty poos
Search for the dotty poos
All of the dotty poos
Little tiny dotty poos
Scroll to the dotty poos
Lasso the dotty poos
Delete the dotty poos
Clean up the dotty poos
Get rid of the dotty poos
Ooooo
Clean every dotty poo
I am a man, yes I am, yes I am, Ma’am
Looking for dots, looking for dots, baby
(repeat ’til fade)

 

 

Going to Work Early

5 am
I’m up early
On the bus some people are sleeping
At the train station I smell cigarette smoke
It feels like I’m travelling oh oh oh
I can’t wait to get a muffin

Awesome You’re Leaving

Oh thank goodness
Are you leaving?
I’ve been waiting so long for you to pack up
Thanks for coming, so good to see you, fuck off
Wait a sec, why are you taking so long?
Why are you taking that long for?
Didn’t you say it was time to go now?
Hurry up – get yourself out the door